Squash Balls at the Holiday Party

After the fine food and scary doubles play at the holiday party, we started a fun new tradition. The Balls. More like the Emmy's than the Olympics, these awards were to recognize people's contribution to the squash community at Southport. To give credit where it is due, these were not my idea. They were Matt Logan's. With a heavy input from the muse, Mark Gannon. But it did not seem right to call them Matt Logan's Balls, or Mark Gannon's Balls. Who would want that?

The mysterious cabal that is the committee thought very carefully about what these awards would be about, and how people would be nominated and won. We'll draw back the curtain and let you know how all this worked. First we considered eligibility. And that turned out to be very simple. You have to:

• Have a racket
  
• Wear goggles. (For the insurance. Ralph insists on that.)
  
• Have played in some kind of organized game.
  
• Lastly, you really should have turned up to the holiday party to be able to collect the award. No Marlon Brando's.
  

Then we moved to voting. We had a long conversation about how we could come up with a voting system that was Fair and Balanced system, (like Fox News) Not subject to bribery or corruption (Like the IOC) Without favoritism (like the Academy) And was clear and transparent to members. (like the CIA). Beyond that, I can't tell you anything else.

Many categories were shortlisted for consideration, but did not make the cut. We thought about old balls. That's not for anyone over 50, but for those that persist in using Dunlop squash balls from the 60's. We would have had quite a few contenders in that category – Eddie O'Rourke, Dennis Sheehan, Ron Klammer. But you can see how people would have still thought old balls would be an insult. We thought of shiny balls, but just decided not to go there.

New balls was an idea. These are the players that keep Dunlop in business by unboxing a new ball for every game – Victor Teicher, John Michaelson, Chuck Noonan, and John Steinberger would have all been contenders, but we would have had no way of picking a clear winner.

The committee also came up with Most impressive foreign accent -- but we have real difficulty telling all you Americans apart, so that would have been difficult.

The balls for 2009 were awarded as follows.

BALL FOR BEST KNOCK UP
The first award of the night is all about the pre-game. For those talented individuals who are at their most impressive before the first serve. They possess a deadly combination of tools to intimidate: They look fit, dress in and possess all the latest squash gear, have a variety of shots to employ in practice – hard rails, sidewall nicks, volleys that drift slowly to the court front. They even spin well, or call "up" and "down" with confidence.

Of course, knock-up has ABSOLUTELY no bearing on their ability to win a game, or their mental toughness throughout the match.

And the Nominations: Ted Hendrickson, Mark Gannon, Matt Logan, John Logan, Adam Klyver

And the Ball went to: Ted Hendrickson

TIGHT BALL

The nominees in the category of Tight Ball are taken from ladder (Top 5 by rating by Dec 10)This award does not go (as you might think) to the player with the tightest purse strings, but in fact to the player that has the tightest balls in the club. That player also does very well hitting other people's tight balls.
And the Nominations: Vik Bakshi, Taylor Hoyt, Dave Reiss, John Kreitler, Tony Wynne

And the Ball would have gone to: Vik Bakshi, but since he did not show to the holiday party, rule 54b came into effect, and the award went to Taylor Hoyt.



MOST ATTACHED TO THEIR INTERPRETATION OF THE RULES

As you know, although all 20 rules of squash are quite clear, there is some room for interpretation. This award goes to the player most attached, in the judge's opinion, to their version of the rules. You might guess that there were many nominations in this category. Before we get to the finalists, the honorable mentions are: Bob Folman, Mitch Dreisman, Paul Caldwell, Tom Flynn, Andy Trister, Lance Mald, Ned Monaghan, [please submit other nominations here]

And the Nominations are: John Krietler , Bahman Azarm, Jane Segall, Liz and Adrien Picheny, Jorge Fries

And the Ball went to: Liz and Adrian Picheny. If someone could pull them from the court before they start their "discussion" again, we have a ball waiting for you.

BEST DRESSED

There are some who still cherish the tradition of whites at Wimbledon, subscribe to Vogue and GQ, and make sure they hang around Bryant Park for a glimpse of the latest couture during fashion week. This Ball is for you. First, some honorable mentions: Henry Von Kohorn, for that sweatshirt that does not come off. Carl Bernstein, for his collection of Michigan T-shirts in every alphabet from English to Cyrillic. Mark Gannon, for his collection of "been there, done that" travelling tournament T-shirts.

And The Nominations are:

Colin Williams, for his tireless effort to keep it tucked in, no matter how grueling the match.

Bob Adelman, known for his neatly ironed and folded "headkerchiefs" sitting outside the court, and used at the rate of one per game.

Manu Krishnan, a modern traditionalist in crisp matching whites.

Tom Flynn, there was some debate about whether this nomination was for the fashion-forward style of wearing pajamas to the club, or the whites and collared shirts he wears on court. I can settle this and tell you it is for the whites. But we like your daring.

Abby Taylor, for her collection of the latest adidas tennis range.

And the Ball went to: Colin Williams.

MOST IMPROVED [Box League]

This is a serious ball, and goes to the player who has improved the most in the last year. This is always a difficult one to judge, as these are people who are swimming against the tide of mediocrity and the great majority, who just get older, slower and generally worse. This year, we had some great improvers, but these nominations outpaced them all.

And the nominations are: Ken Goldberg, James Reiss, Matt Logan, Abby Taylor, Lee Moncho

And the Ball went to: James Reiss


MOST IMPROVED [Lunch League]

Another serious ball, for those players with a tenuous amateur status. They are able to dedicate the daylight hours to working on their game, and are just a few well placed knicks away from going professional.

And the nominations are: Jen Gabler, Abby Flink, Norbert Heinig, Jonathan Glass, Bahman Azarm

And the Ball went to Jen Gabler.


NOMINATIONS IN THE TECHNICAL CATEGORY FOR USE OF ARTIFICIAL AIDS

The Oscars has a technical category for special effects and use of sound, so we thought we should have one too. As the name suggests, nominations for this ball are for those who bring the best of modern technology to the aid of their game. Honorable mention: John Foley (bandages and the strong smell of linament)

And the nominations are: John Michaelson (Heart Monitor, and Knee strap), Bob Kreitler, (various straps and bandages), Ralph Selvaggi (artificial hip), Norman Zeitchick, (2 artificial hips), and Marc Welshons, (Stent, Pacemaker, and Heart Monitor)

And the Ball went to Bob Kreitler.


MOST LIKELY TO GO THROUGH THE GLASS

This is a ball for the passionate heavyweights. They are fans of inertia, martyrs to momentum, and disciples of physics. You know them and love them. Usually converts from other more physical sports they take to the court and play a game where walls and barriers exist only in the mind.

And the nominations are: Lee Moncho, Paul Caldwell, John Michaelson, Richard Gordon, Josh Bergmark

It should be noted that although John Michaelson did actually break the glass this year, he did not attend the holiday party. He is nursing a non-impact related injury.

Under rule 45c, the ball went to: Richard Gordon, Esq.


BEST NEW PLAYER

It's not very often that a new player comes along to squash, and less often to the leagues, so we take the time to honor them. We had a breakout year with some of the largest box leagues in memory. A lot of new players this season.

Brian Rassell, Sandra Reiss, Tim Heneroty, Margaret Feeney, David McVey, Warren Stern, Robert Schoff, Andrew Antrobus, John Paul Benedetti, Peter Hendrickson, John East.

The Ball for best new player went to Sandra Reiss.


SPORTSMANSHIP

This ball goes to the player that exhibits the qualities of sportsmanship. Bruce Ennis was a front runner in this one till he shouted at his well-intentioned referee for a bad call during a match.

And the nominations are: Jeff Hickey, Lee Moncho, Colin Williams, Jeffrey Laikind, Taylor Hoyt.

The Ball for sportsmanship went to Taylor Hoyt in a runaway vote, for all his work in diligently finding ways to give away points to his opponents.



On a final note, there was a ball that we were unable to give away at the holiday party. We had one for Pro you are most likely to recognize, but none of them showed up.